1. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.-Richard Pryor
2. Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.-Will Ferrell
3. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.-Billy Connolly
4. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.-Evelyn Hendrickson
5. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.-Albert Einstein
6. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.-Michel de Montaigne
7. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.-Rodney Dangerfield
8. All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.-Raymond Hull
9. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.-Benjamin Franklin
10. There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.-Oscar Wilde
11. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.-Helen Rowland
12. I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.-Wendy Liebman
13. Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.-Mickey Rooney
14. Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.-Jerry Seinfeld
15. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.-Socrates
16. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.-Woody Allen
17. My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.-Winston Churchill
18. They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.-Mae West
19. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.-Henry Youngman
20. Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.-Elbert Hubbard
21. The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.-Ratna Deep
22. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.-Helen Rowland
23. Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!-Zeenat Essa
24. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.-G. K. Chesterton
25. More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.-Doug Larson
26. Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.-Rama Kochhar
27. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.-Ogden Nash
28. Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.-John Wilmot
29. Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.-Carrie