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Best Funny Mom Quotes

Best Funny Mom Quotes

1. Children are a great comfort in your old age and they help you reach it faster, too-Lionel


2. Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.-Rita Rudner


3. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.-Rodney Dangerfield


4. My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’-Paula Poundstone


5. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.-Dorothy Parker


6. I know how to do anything I’m a mom.-Roseanne Barr


7. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.-Dave Barry


8. Nobody loves me but my mother, And she could be jivin’ too.-B. B. King


9. My mom’s favorite Stevie Wonder song is, “I Just Called to Say Someone You Don’t Know Has Cancer.”-Damien Fahey


10. If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says keep away from children.-Susan Savannah


11. My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.-Tim Allen


12. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.-Bob Monkhouse


13. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.-Calvin


14. Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.-Robert A. Heinlein


15. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.-Rita Rudner


16. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, ‘But I don’t know how. She said, ‘It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said i thought I told you to go to sleep.-Steven Wright


17. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin


18. As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. -Oscar Wilde


19. I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror! -Ash Sweeney


20. The way I feel, if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, I’ve done my job. -Roseanne Barr


21. Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare. -Ed Asner


22. I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement. -Tina Fey


23. So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well. -George W. Bush


24. I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school. -Anon


25. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller


26. The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.-Kin Hubbard


27. It’s not over until the fat lady sings, but even after she sings, packs up and goes home, my mom will still be saying goodbye to me on the phone.-Just Lamenting


28. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.-Erma Bombeck


29. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.-Dave Barry


30. When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.-Jeff Shaw


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