1. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?” -Audrey Griswold
2. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” -Clark Griswold
3. “Dad, I think what you mean is ‘Burn rubber, and eat my dust…’” -Rusty Griswold
4. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” -Ellen Griswold
5. “Clark! We’re stuck under a truck!” -Ellen Griswold
6. “Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” -Ellen Griswold
7. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen Griswold
8. “Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard!” -Rusty Griswold
9. “It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” -Clark Griswold
10. “Thigh tree is a thymol of the thripid of the Griswold family Chrestomathy.” -Clark Griswold
11. “Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” -Todd Chester
12. “A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.” -Clark Griswold
13. “I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be having everybody at the house at the same time.” -Ellen Griswold
14. “Honey, they’re family—not strangers off the street.” -Clark Griswold
15. “Your mother waxes her upper lip?…Hmm doesn’t show.” -Clark Griswold
16. “You’re the last true family man.” -Bill
17. “I was just smelling…smiling! I was just blouse…browsing!” -Clark Griswold
18. “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter-hotter! Than they are.” -Clark Griswold
19. “I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul.” -Clark Griswold
20. “Oh, no, no! She’s not dead. Yet. We’re just divorced. She’s history.” -Clark Griswold
21. “Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?” -Clark Griswold
22. “I’ll, uh, park the cars, and check the luggage, and, uh…I’ll be outside for the season.” -Clark Griswold
23. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” -Rusty Griswold
24. “Oops, a little knot here. You work on that.” -Clark Griswold
25. “Well, I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen Griswold
26. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?!” -Margo Chester
27. “If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs—asleep.” -Grandpa Clark
28. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” -Audrey Griswold
29. “If they know you’re dad, they won’t think anything of it.” -Grandpa Art
30. “Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” -Ellen Griswold
31. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” -Clark Griswold
32. “The little lights are not twinkling.” -Grandpa Art
33. “You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” -Cousin Eddie
34. “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” -Clark Griswold
35. “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark.” -Cousin Eddie
36. “A little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him.” -Cousin Eddie
37. “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.” -Clark Griswold
38. “Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.” -Cousin Eddie
39. “And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!” -Cousin Eddie
40. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” -Clark Griswold
41. “I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.” -Cousin Eddie
42. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—I’m in the middle of an important call… get me somebody…anybody.” -Frank Shirley
43. “I don’t know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” -Cousin Eddie
44. “Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!” -Clark Griswold
45. “Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?” -Ruby Sue
46. “I love it here. You don’t got to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place.” -Ruby Sue
47. “I can’t even afford to be an elf.” -Clark Griswold
48. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, an a**hole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” -Clark Griswold
49. “In seven years, he couldn’t find a job?” -Clark Griswold
50. “Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.” -Ellen Griswold
51. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” -Aunt Bethany
52. “Here’s a little list – alphabetical, starting with Catherine.” -Cousin Eddie
53. “I love riding in cars!” -Aunt Bethany
54. “When did you move to Florida?” -Aunt Bethany
55. “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!” -Aunt Bethany
56. “Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” -Clark Griswold
57. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy.” -Uncle Lewis
58. “He’s old. This may be his last Christmas.” -Ellen Griswold
59. “That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!” -Cousin Eddie
60. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” -Grandpa Art
61. “Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead.” -Ellen Griswold
62. “She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut.” -Ellen
63. “It’s a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” -Clark Griswold
64. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” -Clark
65. “Your grandma’s got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” -Grandma Griswold
66. “Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?” -Audrey
67. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” -Uncle Lewis
68. “Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t hooter than they—hotter than they are.” -Clark
69. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen
70. “If you want to come in you’ll have to break down the goddamn door” -Margo
71. “I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen
72. “When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” -Clark
73. “I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!” -Clark
74. “You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” -Margo
75. “I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” -Ruby Sue
76. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” -Clark
77. “She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back.” -Cousin Eddie
78. “If this gets dented, then my hair just ain’t gonna look right.” -Cousin Eddie
79. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of Hell!” -Clark
80. “He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol.” -Catherine