New Quotes

80 Christmas Vacation Quotes

50 Christmas Vacation Quotes

1. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?” -Audrey Griswold

 

2. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” -Clark Griswold

 

3. “Dad, I think what you mean is ‘Burn rubber, and eat my dust…’” -Rusty Griswold

 

4. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” -Ellen Griswold

 

5. “Clark! We’re stuck under a truck!” -Ellen Griswold

 

6. “Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” -Ellen Griswold

 

7. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen Griswold

 

8. “Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard!” -Rusty Griswold

 

9. “It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” -Clark Griswold

 

10. “Thigh tree is a thymol of the thripid of the Griswold family Chrestomathy.” -Clark Griswold

 

11. “Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” -Todd Chester

 

12. “A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.” -Clark Griswold

 

13. “I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be having everybody at the house at the same time.” -Ellen Griswold

 

14. “Honey, they’re family—not strangers off the street.” -Clark Griswold

 

15. “Your mother waxes her upper lip?…Hmm doesn’t show.” -Clark Griswold

 

16. “You’re the last true family man.” -Bill

 

17. “I was just smelling…smiling! I was just blouse…browsing!” -Clark Griswold

 

18. “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter-hotter! Than they are.” -Clark Griswold

 

19. “I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul.” -Clark Griswold

 

20. “Oh, no, no! She’s not dead. Yet. We’re just divorced. She’s history.” -Clark Griswold

 

21. “Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?” -Clark Griswold

 

22. “I’ll, uh, park the cars, and check the luggage, and, uh…I’ll be outside for the season.” -Clark Griswold

 

23. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” -Rusty Griswold

 

24. “Oops, a little knot here. You work on that.” -Clark Griswold

 

25. “Well, I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen Griswold

 

26. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?!” -Margo Chester

 

27. “If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs—asleep.” -Grandpa Clark

 

28. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” -Audrey Griswold

 

29. “If they know you’re dad, they won’t think anything of it.” -Grandpa Art

 

30. “Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” -Ellen Griswold

 

31. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” -Clark Griswold

 

32. “The little lights are not twinkling.” -Grandpa Art

 

33. “You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” -Cousin Eddie

 

34. “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” -Clark Griswold

 

35. “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark.” -Cousin Eddie

 

36. “A little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him.” -Cousin Eddie

 

37. “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.” -Clark Griswold

 

38. “Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.” -Cousin Eddie

 

39. “And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!” -Cousin Eddie

 

40. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” -Clark Griswold

 

41. “I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.” -Cousin Eddie

 

42. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—I’m in the middle of an important call… get me somebody…anybody.” -Frank Shirley

 

43. “I don’t know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” -Cousin Eddie

 

44. “Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!” -Clark Griswold

 

45. “Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?” -Ruby Sue

 

46. “I love it here. You don’t got to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place.” -Ruby Sue

 

47. “I can’t even afford to be an elf.” -Clark Griswold

 

48. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, an a**hole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” -Clark Griswold

 

49. “In seven years, he couldn’t find a job?” -Clark Griswold

 

50. “Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.” -Ellen Griswold

 

51. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” -Aunt Bethany

 

52. “Here’s a little list – alphabetical, starting with Catherine.” -Cousin Eddie

 

53. “I love riding in cars!” -Aunt Bethany

 

54. “When did you move to Florida?” -Aunt Bethany

 

55. “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!” -Aunt Bethany

 

56. “Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” -Clark Griswold

 

57. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy.” -Uncle Lewis

 

58. “He’s old. This may be his last Christmas.” -Ellen Griswold

 

59. “That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!” -Cousin Eddie

 

60. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” -Grandpa Art

 

61. “Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead.” -Ellen Griswold

 

62. “She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut.” -Ellen

 

63. “It’s a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” -Clark Griswold

 

64. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” -Clark

 

65. “Your grandma’s got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” -Grandma Griswold

 

66. “Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?” -Audrey

 

67. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” -Uncle Lewis

 

68. “Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t hooter than they—hotter than they are.” -Clark

 

69. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen

 

70. “If you want to come in you’ll have to break down the goddamn door” -Margo

 

71. “I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen

 

72. “When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” -Clark

 

73. “I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!” -Clark

 

74. “You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” -Margo

 

75. “I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” -Ruby Sue

 

76. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” -Clark

 

77. “She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back.” -Cousin Eddie

 

78. “If this gets dented, then my hair just ain’t gonna look right.” -Cousin Eddie

 

79. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of Hell!” -Clark

 

80. “He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol.” -Catherine

Related posts

30 Being Fearless Quotes

quotes

Cross Country Quotes

quotes

Best Quotes On Cleanliness

quotes