Random Quotes

80 Christmas Vacation Quotes

50 Christmas Vacation Quotes

1. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we Dad?” -Audrey Griswold


2. “Hey kids, look! A deer!” -Clark Griswold


3. “Dad, I think what you mean is ‘Burn rubber, and eat my dust…’” -Rusty Griswold


4. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” -Ellen Griswold


5. “Clark! We’re stuck under a truck!” -Ellen Griswold


6. “Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed by thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.” -Ellen Griswold


7. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen Griswold


8. “Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard!” -Rusty Griswold


9. “It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” -Clark Griswold


10. “Thigh tree is a thymol of the thripid of the Griswold family Chrestomathy.” -Clark Griswold


11. “Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” -Todd Chester


12. “A lot of sap in here! Looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.” -Clark Griswold


13. “I think you’re forgetting how difficult it’s going to be having everybody at the house at the same time.” -Ellen Griswold


14. “Honey, they’re family—not strangers off the street.” -Clark Griswold


15. “Your mother waxes her upper lip?…Hmm doesn’t show.” -Clark Griswold


16. “You’re the last true family man.” -Bill


17. “I was just smelling…smiling! I was just blouse…browsing!” -Clark Griswold


18. “It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter-hotter! Than they are.” -Clark Griswold


19. “I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul.” -Clark Griswold


20. “Oh, no, no! She’s not dead. Yet. We’re just divorced. She’s history.” -Clark Griswold


21. “Can’t see the line, can ya, Russ?” -Clark Griswold


22. “I’ll, uh, park the cars, and check the luggage, and, uh…I’ll be outside for the season.” -Clark Griswold


23. “Think you might be overdoing it, Dad?” -Rusty Griswold


24. “Oops, a little knot here. You work on that.” -Clark Griswold


25. “Well, I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen Griswold


26. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?!” -Margo Chester


27. “If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs—asleep.” -Grandpa Clark


28. “I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” -Audrey Griswold


29. “If they know you’re dad, they won’t think anything of it.” -Grandpa Art


30. “Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” -Ellen Griswold


31. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” -Clark Griswold


32. “The little lights are not twinkling.” -Grandpa Art


33. “You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet.” -Cousin Eddie


34. “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” -Clark Griswold


35. “That’s a honey of a tree, Clark.” -Cousin Eddie


36. “A little tree water ain’t gonna hurt him.” -Cousin Eddie


37. “I just can’t believe you’re actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.” -Clark Griswold


38. “Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic getting cured off the wild turkey.” -Cousin Eddie


39. “And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career!” -Cousin Eddie


40. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” -Clark Griswold


41. “I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.” -Cousin Eddie


42. “Now, if you’ll excuse me—I’m in the middle of an important call… get me somebody…anybody.” -Frank Shirley


43. “I don’t know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.” -Cousin Eddie


44. “Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record—Clark W. Griswold Jr.!” -Clark Griswold


45. “Santa Claus! Uncle Clark, are you Santa Claus?” -Ruby Sue


46. “I love it here. You don’t got to put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place.” -Ruby Sue


47. “I can’t even afford to be an elf.” -Clark Griswold


48. “Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, an a**hole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” -Clark Griswold


49. “In seven years, he couldn’t find a job?” -Clark Griswold


50. “Catherine says he’s been holding out for a management position.” -Ellen Griswold


51. “Is your house on fire, Clark?” -Aunt Bethany


52. “Here’s a little list – alphabetical, starting with Catherine.” -Cousin Eddie


53. “I love riding in cars!” -Aunt Bethany


54. “When did you move to Florida?” -Aunt Bethany


55. “Grace? She passed away 30 years ago!” -Aunt Bethany


56. “Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” -Clark Griswold


57. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogy.” -Uncle Lewis


58. “He’s old. This may be his last Christmas.” -Ellen Griswold


59. “That thing had nine lives—she just spent them all!” -Cousin Eddie


60. “What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?” -Grandpa Art


61. “Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead.” -Ellen Griswold


62. “She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut.” -Ellen


63. “It’s a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” -Clark Griswold


64. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!” -Clark


65. “Your grandma’s got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I’ll give you a whole quarter.” -Grandma Griswold


66. “Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?” -Audrey


67. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” -Uncle Lewis


68. “Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t hooter than they—hotter than they are.” -Clark


69. “Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen


70. “If you want to come in you’ll have to break down the goddamn door” -Margo


71. “I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen


72. “When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” -Clark


73. “I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!” -Clark


74. “You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.” -Margo


75. “I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!” -Ruby Sue


76. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” -Clark


77. “She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back.” -Cousin Eddie


78. “If this gets dented, then my hair just ain’t gonna look right.” -Cousin Eddie


79. “Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of Hell!” -Clark


80. “He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol.” -Catherine

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