Random Quotes

Funny And Hilarious Quotes

Funny And Hilarious Quotes
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.-Steven Wright


2. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.-Erma Bombeck


3. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.-Richard Jeni


4. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.-Fred Allen


5. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.-Agatha Christie


6. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.-Jackie Mason


7. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.-Bob Monkhouse


8. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.-Will Ferrell


9. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.-Socrates


10. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.-Dave Barry


11. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.-Groucho Marx


12. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.-Dennis Miller


13. I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.-Fred Allen


14. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.-Frank Sinatra


15. I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.-Woody Allen


16. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.-Ricky Gervais


17. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.-Homer Simpson


18. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.-Ralph Bus


19. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.-Steve Martin


20. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.-Will Rogers


21. The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.-Stanley Randall


22. My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.-Sarah Silverman


23. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.-Rodney Dangerfield


24. Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.-Helen Rowland


25. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman


26. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?-Robin Williams


27. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.-Demetri Martin


28. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.-Oscar Wilde


29. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.-Steve Martin


30. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.-Lana Turner

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