1. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.-Will Ferrell
2. My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.-Rodney Dangerfield
3. Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?-Rita Rudner
4. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.-Mae West
5. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.-Carroll Bryant
6. Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.-Benjamin Franklin
7. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.-Steven Wright
8. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?-Groucho Marx
9. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.-Albert Einstein
10. I don’t see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain’t much of a recommendation for it.-Larry McMurtry
11. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-Groucho Marx
12. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.-Frederick Ryder
13. Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.-Natasha Leggero
14. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.-Agatha Christie
15. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.-Laurence J Peter
16. The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.-Linda Festa
17. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.-Richard Jeni
18. I can’t make you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.-Rob Delaney
19. Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.-Bob Ettinger
20. It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.-Nick Hornby
21. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.-Helen Rowland
22. The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.-Israel Zangwill
23. My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.-Emo Philips
24. True love is singing karaoke Under Pressure and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.-Mindy Kaling
25. If you text I love you to a person and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.-Chelsea Peretti
26. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.-Henny Youngman
27. Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another, in case it doesn’t rain.-Mae West
28. Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.-Phyllis Diller
29. The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.-Agatha Christie