Authors Inspirational Quotes

Best 60 George Carlin Quotes On His Comedy Way To Inspire You

George Carlin

George Carlin was one of the greatest comedians who ever appeared on stage. His comedy was as profound and emotional as it was funny. From his famous critique of censorship, such as the NSFW “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” (which resulted in the Supreme Court) to his complex rants about consumption and politics, Carlin not only made his audience laugh, but also encouraged them to think independently and critically, though not always in a deliberate way.

“Sometimes people say, ‘Do I try to make audiences think?’ I say: ‘No no no,’ because that really would be the kiss of death,” Carlin stated in his last interview before his death in the year 2008. “But what I want people to be aware of is what I’m doing. This is part of the display-off and dropout syndrome. I believe I must prove to them that I’ve taken myself to a more clever and more intelligent place than they are.”

He was just as numerous as he also profound his career spans over five decades, including 23 albums as well as 14 HBO specials and 130 Tonight Show appearances and three books (plus posthumous release). The following George Carlin quotes on life reflect his humor, ingenuity and creativity. Sometimes, he even had his mouth that was a bit sloppy that was an integral part of his charm. He was known for his hilarious and sarcastic remarks. We think you’ll enjoy the humor of his quotes.

Know more about George Carlin.

1. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”   -George Carlin


2. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”   -George Carlin


3. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”   -George Carlin


4. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”   -George Carlin


5. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”   -George Carlin


6. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”   -George Carlin


7. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”   -George Carlin


8. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”   -George Carlin


9. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”   -George Carlin


10. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”   -George Carlin


11. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”   -George Carlin


12. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”   -George Carlin


13. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”   -George Carlin


14. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”   -George Carlin


15. “He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”   -George Carlin


16. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”   -George Carlin


17. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”   -George Carlin


18. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”   -George Carlin


19. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”   -George Carlin


20. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”   -George Carlin


21. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”   -George Carlin


22. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”   -George Carlin


23. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”   -George Carlin


25. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”   -George Carlin


26. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”   -George Carlin


27. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”   -George Carlin


28. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”   -George Carlin


29. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”   -George Carlin


30. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”   -George Carlin


31. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”   -George Carlin


32. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”   -George Carlin


33. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”   -George Carlin


34. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”   -George Carlin


35. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.”   -George Carlin


36. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”   -George Carlin


37. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”   -George Carlin


38. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”   -George Carlin


39. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”   -George Carlin


40. “A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”   -George Carlin


41. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”   -George Carlin


42. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”   -George Carlin


43. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”   -George Carlin


44. “THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”   -George Carlin


45. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”   -George Carlin


46. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”   -George Carlin


47. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”   -George Carlin


48. “I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”   -George Carlin


49. “If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”   -George Carlin


50. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”   -George Carlin


51. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”   -George Carlin


52. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”   -George Carlin


53. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”   -George Carlin


54. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”   -George Carlin


55. “How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”   -George Carlin


56. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”    -George Carlin


57. “If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”   -George Carlin


58. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”   -George Carlin


59. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”   -George Carlin


60. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”   -George Carlin

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