Gear up for some chuckles with these Funny Christmas quotes! They’re sure to bring a grin to everyone’s face.
So, how do you plan to make the most of this festive season? Whether you’re braving the bustling holiday crowds with your extensive Christmas list or getting ready to journey and spend quality time with loved ones, we’ve got just the thing to keep your spirits high and your patience intact: a batch of side-splitting Christmas one-liners from both famous faces and the wit of the internet!
Get ready to be entertained as you navigate the holiday hustle and bustle. Remember, a good laugh is the best companion during this special time of the year.
Without further ado, here’s our curated collection of uproarious, heartwarming, and downright funny Christmas quotes, sourced from various corners of the world!
Enclosed is our treasury of uplifting, comical, and entertaining Christmas quotes sourced from various outlets over the years.
Read More: Christmas Vacation Quotes
Table Of Contents
Funny Christmas Quotes To Add Cheer To Your Festivities
1. “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Unknown
2. “Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” —Ellen DeGeneres
3. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar
4. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” – Robert Godden
5. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
6. “I grew up on a Christmas tree farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.” –Taylor Swift
7. “Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph” – Unknown
8. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
9. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien
10. “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Unknown
11. “Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.” – Erma Bombeck
12. “Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
13. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor
14. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard
15. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
16. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” –Andy Rooney
17. “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.” – Unknown
18. “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore on “Harry Potter“
19. “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” ― Kin Hubbard
20. “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
You May Also Like This: Inspirational Easter Quotes For A Season Of Rebirth And Renewal
Funny Christmas Quotes Guaranteed To Bring A Grin To Your Face
21. “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
22. “Heap on more wood! – the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We’ll keep our Christmas merry still.” ― Walter Scott
23. “There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd
24. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis
25. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”– Gary Allan
26. “I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.” — Theodore W. Higginsworth
27. “Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Unknown
28. “Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.” ― Helen Steiner Rice
29. “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Unknown
30. “Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” –Samantha Bee
31. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller
32. “At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.” ― Thomas Tusser
33. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman
34. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” –Winston Spear
35. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
36. “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde
37. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik
38. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” –Larry Wilde
39. “All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.” – Robin Wood on Twitter
40. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” –Bridger Winegar
You May Also Like This: Christmas Eve Quotes
Funny Christmas Quotes Guaranteed To Make You Burst Into Laughter
41. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz
42. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
43. “Holiday lights should be festive while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.” – Charles Lake on Twitter
44. “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” ― Erma Bombeck
45. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White
46. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.
47. “I’m releasing a holiday song called, “All I Want for Christmas is my Parents’ Freaking Wifi Password.” – Damien Fahey on Twitter
48. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin
49. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Julius Sharpe
50. “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” ― Bob Hope
51. “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown
52. “Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” ― Washington Irving
53. “Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.” – Anonymous
54. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown
55. “Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie
56. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’” – Bernard Manning
57. “Ever wonder what people got Jesus Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh, great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” –Jim Gaffigan
58. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” –Charles M. Schultz
59. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” –Carol Nelson
60. “How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.” – Bill Maher
You May Also Like: Merry Christmas Sister Quotes And Wishes
Funny Christmas Quotes For A Merry Spirit!
61. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
62. “Christmas! The very word brings joy to our hearts.” ― Joan Winmill Brown
63. “Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!” – Anonymous
64. “My mother-in-law has come around to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.
65. “Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” ― Calvin Coolidge
66. “I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.” – Unknown
67. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Unknown
68. “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas
69. “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
70. “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Unknown
71. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” –Robert Paul
72. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.” – Anonymous
73. “Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry
74. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
75. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
76. “How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.” – Unknown
77. “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones
78. “I do like Christmas on the whole…. In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill. But it is clumsier every year.” ― E. M. Forster
Read More: Best Christmas Quotes Of All Time
Did You Chuckle Or Grin At These Clever Christmas Sayings?
In the midst of the holiday frenzy, let us be your guides to the land of hilarity.
We’ve curated a treasure trove of mirthful moments, a collection of laughter-inducing gems that will turn your holiday gatherings into uproarious affairs and your heartwarming cards into side-splitting classics.
Join us in embracing the joy of the season, one hearty laugh at a time. After all, what better way to savor the holidays than by sharing a hearty laugh amidst the festivities?
Don’t miss out on the jolly laughter of Christmas! Also, explore our side-splitting collection of funny quotes.
We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences! Share your comments!
Team Motivational Wizard believes in the power of inspirational quotes and saying to create meaningful change. Motivational Wizard loves being a go-to resource when you’re on the hunt for some inspirational quotes, motivational quotes, positive messages, productivity tips and more. Catch Team Motivational Wizard online at Facebook and Instagram.