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50 Best Ron Swanson Quotes

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1.“There is only one bad word: taxes.” -Ron Swanson

 

2.“There’s more than one crib tree in a forest. That’s not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.” -Ron Swanson

 

3. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” -Ron Swanson

 

4. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.” -Ron Swanson

 

5. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.” -Ron Swanson

 

6. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” -Ron Swanson

 

7. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.” -Ron Swanson

 

8. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” -Ron Swanson

 

9. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.” -Ron Swanson

 

10. “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow of yours.” -Ron Swanson

 

11. “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.” -Ron Swanson

 

12. “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.” -Ron Swanson

 

13. “Cowardice and weak-willed men… and hazelnuts.” -Ron Swanson

 

14. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” -Ron Swanson

 

15. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.” -Ron Swanson

 

16. “I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.” -Ron Swanson

 

17. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” -Ron Swanson

 

18. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” -Ron Swanson

 

19. “Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” -Ron Swanson

 

20. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” -Ron Swanson

 

21. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” -Ron Swanson

 

22. “I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” -Ron Swanson

 

23. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” -Ron Swanson

 

24. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” -Ron Swanson

 

25. “I regret nothing. The end.” -Ron Swanson

 

26. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” -Ron Swanson

 

27. “Keep your tears in your eyes—where they belong.” -Ron Swanson

 

28. “I was born ready. I’m Ron F***ing Swanson.” -Ron Swanson

 

29. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.” -Ron Swanson

 

30. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.” -Ron Swanson

 

31. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” -Ron Swanson

 

32. “There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.” -Ron Swanson

 

33. “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.” -Ron Swanson

 

34. “Why is everyone else so bad at eating?” -Ron Swanson

 

35. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” -Ron Swanson

 

36. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.” -Ron Swanson

 

37. “Strippers do nothing for me… but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.” -Ron Swanson

 

38. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” -Ron Swanson

 

39. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.” -Ron Swanson

 

40. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.” -Ron Swanson

 

41. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” -Ron Swanson

 

42. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.” -Ron Swanson

 

43. “You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.” -Ron Swanson

 

44. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.” -Ron Swanson

 

45. “I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” -Ron Swanson

 

46. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.” -Ron Swanson

 

47. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.” -Ron Swanson

 

48. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” -Ron Swanson

 

49. “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.” -Ron Swanson

 

50. “It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.” -Ron Swanson

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