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60 Sarcastic Quotes And Sarcasm Sayings

Sarcastic Quotes

1. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.

 

2. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

 

3. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

 

4. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

 

5. Find your patience before I lose mine.

 

6. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

 

7.  Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud.

 

8.  You play the victim. I’ll play the disinterested bystander.

 

9.  If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

 

10. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

 

11.  I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

 

12.  Life’s good, you should get one.

 

13.  Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.

 

14.  I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

 

15.  If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.

 

16. I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.

 

17. No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

 

18. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.

 

19. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

 

20. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

 

21. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

 

22. Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

 

23. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

24. People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.

 

25. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

 

26. Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

 

27. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

28.  My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.

 

29. Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.

 

30. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

 

31. My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

 

32.  I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

 

33.  When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.

 

34.  Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.

 

35. The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.

 

36.  Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.

 

37.  Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.

 

38.  I’ve birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop.

 

39.  Right before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

 

40.  If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.

 

41.  Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.

 

42.  Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.

 

43.  How much better would it be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?

 

44.  What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.

 

45. You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.

 

46. I don’t keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business.

 

47.  Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works.

 

48.  I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar.

 

49.  Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.

 

50. I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.

 

51.  Lead me not into temptation. I know the way.

 

52. Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

 

53.  Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.

 

54. My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.

 

55. You’re everything I want in someone I don’t want anymore.

 

56. If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.

 

57. Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.

 

58. Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.

 

59. Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.

 

60. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.

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